


for every question why

by caughtcal (marvelaf)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, calum has a bad relationship with his parents, not really a slow burn because im impatient, this is just me projecting onto calum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelaf/pseuds/caughtcal
Summary: When doing what he wants means sacrificing everything he knows, Calum has to find a way to deal with the changes.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Kudos: 28





	for every question why

**Author's Note:**

> Rubber soles meet pavement and they greet like old friends  
> Hair gets swept off shoulders and lungs fill with what could have been  
> You’ll never feel the same way that you did that night  
> When the rain dried on our sore smiles  
> Cracks in the road mean nothing, the path is known  
> But it’s forever changing, same as you and me

It started the way most things do. Unexpected, but not unwelcome. 

Calum had never been the kind of person to know exactly what he wanted, and he’d never really cared much. Things would figure themselves out, he believed. And they always did. He’d gotten so far, he would reason, and he was still breathing. 

Meeting Ashton had never been a piece to a puzzle that Calum was frantically trying to finish. Calum wasn’t even sure he’d had the box open. Ashton was the drummer for Luke’s band. At least that’s what it felt like back then. Calum just knew he liked hanging out with Michael and Luke, and music was the only way to keep the two of them in the same room without a fight. So, if playing guitar and posting shitty covers to YouTube was what had to be done, he’d do it. 

And he did. They all did. 

It was fun, watching the subscriber count rise, and his Twitter following grow. He realized that hundreds of girls saying they thought the four Aussies were cute didn’t excite him as much as it did Michael. Or as much as Ashton excited him. 

Being friends with Ashton was much easier than Calum could have ever expected. The younger boy quickly began to realize that one of his favorite places to be was in the passenger seat of Ashton’s car and it definitely wasn’t because of the broken air conditioning vents. 

Calum had bad days, ones where the weight of the world seemed to be on his shoulders. He thought he knew what Atlas must feel on those days, his past and present, the worries about his future all weighing him down, threatening to break his back. On those days, Ashton seemed to hold the key to get him through, to say exactly the right words to tide him over to the next day. 

He called Ashton one night after suffering through a dinner alone with his parents, begging to be picked up and whisked away from his life. 

It was a school night, so there was a glare from his mother as he pushed through the front door and a shout to be home before curfew. Calum knew very well that both of his parents would be long asleep before then and Mali would never break their no tattling pact. 

He could feel his problems begin to loosen their grip on his shoulders as he approached the car door, and when he opened it, he was met with a grinning Ashton. 

“Hey Cal,” Ashton said, waiting for Calum to buckle before peeling away from the curb. Calum only grunted in response. “Wow, so you weren’t lying, huh?” 

“No,” Calum grumbled, turning to face Ashton and rubbing his cheek on the headrest. 

“Well, you know the cure for any bad day.” Ashton chuckled at the way Calum’s face lit up. 

“Ice cream?” Calum asked. Ashton nodded his head and Calum sighed happily. “You’re the best.” 

“I know,” Ashton giggled. The car fell into a comfortable silence as Ashton drove, the only sound being Ashton’s burned CD of Green Day’s  _ American Idiot _ album playing softly. Every once in a while, Ashton would drum the beat on the steering wheel, and Calum felt as though it could have been his heartbeat given how much he depended on it. 

When they pulled up to the shop, Ashton hopped out of the car while Calum stayed buckled.

“Wait!” he called out, but Ashton just waved a hand.   
  


“Stay there, I’ll get it for the both of us.” 

Calum’s face felt warm at his words. When Ashton returned with the ice cream a few minutes later, he wanted to be surprised that it was exactly what he would have ordered. “Hang on, let’s eat these at the docks,” Ashton suggested. 

“Yeah, sure,” Calum agreed. The docks were just a parking lot that overlooked the water where teenagers usually went to have sex in their cars without their parents knowing. There wasn’t even a dock anywhere near it. 

For Calum and Ashton, though, it was the site of a few really deep conversations. Something about the way Calum could look out the windshield and see that for miles it was just him and Ashton made it easier to talk about the feelings that felt too big for words. They didn’t come often but Calum knew that this suggestion wasn’t brought up on a whim. “Everything alright, Ash?” 

“Hm, oh, yeah.” Ashton’s grip on the steering wheel tightened slightly and his jaw clenched. Calum wasn’t convinced. Over the speakers, ‘Give Me Novacaine’ played softly. 

The lot was pretty bare that night and the two boys could park away from any other cars. They both opened their ice creams and dug in, graciously taking the distraction. 

“Wanna talk about your day?” Ashton asked. Calum swallowed his mouthful and tried to clear the lump in his throat. 

_ Drain the pressure from the swelling.  _

“Just shitty, I guess. My parents are kinda getting on my back about a decision for the football camp thing and I’m just really stressed,” Calum explained. Ashton nodded, prompting Calum to keep talking. “Everything’s just scary right now.” He shrugged. “I feel like I’m too young to be making these kinds of decisions.”

_ This sensation's overwhelming. _

“Yeah, I get that,” Ashton said, “I’m sorry your parents do that, like put all that pressure on you. These decisions should be about what you want for yourself and stuff.” 

Calum nods. “Yeah,” he whispers. 

“What do you want?”

Calum wanted to scoff in Ashton’s face and say that if he really knew, he wouldn’t be in this position. 

“That’s the question, isn’t it?” he joked.

The air felt tight around Calum’s head when Ashton didn’t laugh. There was a pregnant pause before the older boy spoke again.

_ Give me a long kiss goodnight.  _

“Are you actually going to go to Brazil?” 

“It would make my parents happy-” Calum started.

_ And everything would be alright.  _

“Since when did you care about that?” Ashton interrupted. Calum laughed a bit. It still wasn’t funny, if Ashton’s somber face was any indicator. 

“I don’t know, maybe I’m tired of being a disappointment,” Calum chuckled. He cursed his stupid brain for not being able to take the serious conversation seriously. 

“You aren’t a disappointment, Cal,” Ashton said. 

_ Tell me that I won’t feel a thing. _

“Thanks.” Calum nodded grimly. He locked his sight into the horizon and tried to swallow some of that freedom down with his ice cream. 

“I mean, if you didn’t go, I really think the band could do well, like as a job. I think we’ve all got it in us.” Ashton smiled shyly. “This is my ticket out, Cal. I want a better life for myself than my Mum provided.” 

Calum only nodded and mentally marked the first and only time he ever felt uncomfortable in the passenger seat of Ashton’s car. 

_ So give me novacaine.  _

In the end, Calum’s naive desire to try and please his parents won out. They were ecstatic when he told them he wanted to accept the offer. Their validation didn’t feel as good as Calum expected it to.

The look on Ashton's face when he told them he was actually going to Brazil was one of the worst things he’d ever seen. 

“What about us?” Ashton asked. Calum was having a hard time looking at him, so he stuck his gaze to the wood of Michael's kitchen table.

“Who knows if this is even gonna amount to anything? Football is safer,” Calum muttered, the same speech his mother had been telling him since the letter came. 

Ashton scoffed loudly. “Are you even listening to yourself? I’m looking at Calum right now, but it sounds like Mrs. Hood is talking.” 

“Ash-” Michael tried. Ashton must have been getting red in the face if Michael decided to step in. Calum had never been on the receiving end of Ashton’s angry red face before. 

“No!” Ashton shouted, standing up from his seat. The scratching of the chair leg against the wooden floor made Calum flinch. “He won’t even look at us! He knows this is wrong.” Ashton spoke like Calum wasn’t even in the room and it made Calum feel even smaller than he already felt. 

“I’m sorry,” Calum said, finally looking back up at his best friends. His own explanation felt too big to say; Calum couldn’t even chop it up into decipherable chunks for himself. 

“I’m sure you are,” Ashton sneered. “It’s all about you, isn’t it? Did you even stop to think about how much you’re fucking us over?” he gestured to Luke and Michael who both refused to look at Calum. 

“You asked me what I wanted, Ash. I’m telling you.” Calum wasn’t sure where his words ended and his parents began. “You said that it sucked that they were putting so much pressure on me.” He paused, and the air felt calm for a moment, like a picture taken moments before a bomb dropped. “Look around. I’d say I’m feeling the pressure, but I can’t really tell where it’s coming from now? Did you really think the band is what’s best for me? Or were you too busy thinking about your own ticket out?” 

Calum’s voice raised until he was shouting back at Ashton. His words echoed around the room, each wave hitting Ashton like a physical attack. 

“You really think that little of me?” Ashton asked softly. “That I was just using you as a means to an end?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He hoped that wasn’t all he was to Ashton, but he refused to cry in front of them.

“Well, then you’re just about as stupid as the decision your parents made,” Ashton said, his voice too calm for the finality his words spoke. “Oh, sorry.  _ You  _ made.” Ashton stormed out of the house, and in the distance, Calum could hear the engine of his car driving off.

For the first time, something real sparked in Calum. He knew that it had all started long before this fight, with shy glances and too-long hugs and late-night drives, but that was when life decided to rear its head and punch Calum in the face. When he grabbed at his throbbing nose, the only blood pouring out was composed of Ashton’s words.

Brazil was basically one big bloody mouthful that he had to wait two months to spit out. Torture wasn’t strong enough to describe Calum’s isolation from everyone. 

The football was fine, he was excelling even, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what Ashton had said that night. He felt sick knowing his friends were mad at him and he could barely justify his reason for being halfway across the world. He didn’t care that his parents were proud of him anymore. He was just as unhappy with their validation as he would have been without it. 

Coming home both was and was not what Calum expected. Mali picked him up from the airport, and after a shower and a nap, he had dinner with his family. He told them then that he would be quitting football. The band would be taking its place.

When he walked out the front door a few moments later, the plate of uneaten food and his father’s glare in his periphery, he reasoned it out to himself. At least music made him feel alive and didn’t leave him alone spitting blood, a continent away. 

To say Calum was surprised to find Ashton and Luke at Michael’s would be a lie because of course, they were there. The show must go on, because fuck Calum for leaving, right? He got hugs from Michael and Luke while Ashton fiddled with his phone from behind the drum kit. They pestered him with questions about how it was, and if he liked it, and when he was going back, but Ashton’s lips stayed pressed in a firm line. 

“I’m not,” Calum said. The drummer's eyes flicked up at that. 

“Not what? Cal?” Michael asked, just then noticing the intense gaze between Ashton and Calum.

“Not going back. Told my parents tonight.” Calum smiled, small but present. “I wanna do the band. I’m in.” 

No one said anything for a moment, Luke and Michael anxiously looking back at Ashton. Calum couldn’t tell what emotion overtook Ashton’s face, whether it was good or bad. 

(Looking back, it was most likely acceptance of the same thing Calum had come to terms with, scared and alone in his bed the night before leaving for Brazil.) 

Ashton offered to drive him home that night and Calum accepted. Driving past the docks, Calum knew something had shifted in their relationship. They were no longer the Calum and Ashton that got ice cream after a bad day. They were some new conglomeration of thoughts and ideas and preconceived notions. 

“I never meant to pressure you into the band,” Ashton said, his eyes locked on the road ahead of him. 

“I know, Ash.” 

“No, I don’t want you to think that I was doing the same thing as them,” he muttered quietly. There was no radio playing for him to talk over. 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Calum paused. “It’s just, you were right when you were calling me selfish and stuff and I wanted to say something that would hurt you like you hurt me.” Ashton made a face. “I didn’t mean it though.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. “You weren’t being selfish, I was just mad.” 

“I was, though. I was doing what was easy, just going along with what they said,” Calum said. “I was miserable the whole time.”

“Really?” Ashton asked, his brows shooting up while he glanced over a Calum for a second. 

“Yeah, I knew you were over here being mad at me,” Calum chuckled. Once again, Ashton couldn’t find it in himself to laugh. 

The rest of the ride was silent. Ashton wasn’t drumming a beat out on the steering wheel and Calum felt hollow. Once he pulled up to Calum’s house, Ashton finally let their eyes meet. 

“Do you really think this could work?” Calum asked. 

“I really do. I just want what's best for you, Cal. If you really want to do football,” Ashton looked down at his hands for a moment, “I won’t be mad or anything.” 

“I want this. I promise,” Calum whispered, grabbing Ashton’s hand. “I’ve missed you.” 

Missing Luke and Michael too went without saying, but Ashton seemed to understand. 

“I missed you too.” 

Calum sighed, a small smile coming onto his lips. 

“Can we just forgive each other?” 

“Yeah,” Ashton breathed out, a similar smile tipping the corners of his mouth up. Calum resisted the urge to lean into the older boy’s intoxicating gaze. 

Calum whispered out goodbye and floated on a cloud to his front door. He watched as Ashton’s car drove away and he spared a thought to what Ashton was thinking about. 

The house was quiet, both of his parents sleeping and Mali out. The opened door to his bedroom revealed the wreckage. Clothes were sprawled over the floor, along with the comforter from his bed and one of his curtains. The posters that used to hang on his walls were shredded up. The message was clear when he noticed the shelf of football trophies were untouched. 

His face felt hot and he could feel sweat beginning to cling to his forehead and underarms. The air outside was much colder, he noticed as he stumbled back through the front door. The chill made Calum feel like he was shaking on the long walk back to Michael’s house. 

No matter how special Ashton was to Calum, Michael would always be his best friend. He knew he would be welcome there, even when he wasn’t welcome in his own home. 

Calum thought he must have looked insane, slowly walking down a main road in the middle of the night, crying his eyes out. Luckily nobody pulled over and tried to talk to him or take him to the nearest psych ward. 

When Karen Clifford opened the front door, revealing the boy with mussed hair and tear streaks down his cheeks, all Calum could do was cry more and ask to see Michael. He cried even harder when she hugged his shaking form. 

“What the hell happened?” Michael asked, pulling Calum into his bedroom. It smelled like a teenage boy and there was a paused FIFA game on the television. 

“She trashed my fucking room an-and I just left,” Calum cried as he laid down on Michael’s unmade bed. “I didn’t know what to do.” 

Michael’s expression steeled. 

“This is all because of football?” he asked. Calum nodded quickly. His head felt dizzy with tears. “I didn’t realize it was this serious, Cal.” 

“Neither did I,” Calum said, shaking his head. “I’m their son, they should love me.” He cried a bit more, rolling over to hide his face in the comforter. Michael rubbed a calming hand over his back. 

“I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be like this.” 

Calum whined low in his throat. “Well, it is.” His words were muffled by the fabric.

“Listen, you can stay here as long as you want. Fuck ‘em,” Michael reassured him. 

“Thank you,” Calum sniffled. Calum fell asleep on Michael’s bed to the sound of the other boy finishing his game. 

A week passed before Calum’s parents let him back in. A week of Mali begging them to let him back, and harsh phone calls where Calum sat silently listening to them dismantle every idea in his head. 

Little did they know that 5 Seconds of Summer had a huge opportunity in front of them. A recording space in London, with producers and writers and people who could make this a real career for them. Calum felt himself slowly tearing at the seams as his life pulled him one way and his parents pulled him another. 

Maybe he was desperately clinging to the hope that one day the relationship could be mended, but each step he took with the band felt like another step away from their affection. 

The others assigned Luke to convince Calum to move with them. It was almost impossible to say no to Luke’s puppy dog eyes. 

“So about London.” 

“I don’t know yet,” Calum interrupted, his eyes staying off Luke. From his glance at the floor, he could tell his friend was anxious; Luke kept shifting his weight from foot to foot. 

“We all want you there, obviously,” Luke said. 

“I want to be there too, you know that, Luke. It’s just, my parents just let me back in the house and stuff, I shouldn’t fuck that up,” Calum reasoned, trying to convince himself more than Luke. Everything was happening so fast, Calum just wanted a minute to breathe. 

“Yeah, no, I totally get that.” Luke paused. “It’s just-” 

“Just what?” 

“We need you, Cal,” Luke said. Calum scoffed. “Wh- I’m not lying! We do!” 

“Listen, I’m committed to this band, but you do not  _ need  _ me for anything,” Calum said, turning and trying to walk away from Luke to hide his shaking hands. 

“Calum!” Luke grabbed Calum by the shoulder and spun him around. “You’re like the glue, dude. We all need you!” 

Calum frowned. 

“Who else can calm Michael down when he’s had too many red bulls?” Calum nodded, remembering holding Michael’s head to his chest and lightly petting his hair. 

“I guess but-”

“And when I got scared to go on stage, you- you were right there with the right words, and then we went on and smashed it,” Luke continued frantically, grabbing at Calum’s hands. “And Ash, I don’t think he’ll come to London if you stay here, he needs you so bad.” 

Calum’s cheeks burned. “Okay Luke, I get it.” Luke eyed him, brows quirked. “I  _ do _ .” He paused. “I’ll try and see what I can do.” 

Luke cheered and pulled Calum into a hug. 

That left Calum quietly packing his things into bags, not enough at once to make his parents suspicious, but enough that his room looked different. He never outwardly told Mali, but he knew she wasn’t blind. It was obvious to anyone paying attention what was going on and as she stood in his doorway, Calum knew she was aware.

“I’m sorry, you know,” Calum whispered, “for everything.” 

Mali didn’t move from her spot, but her arms crossed across her chest. “What time do you guys leave?” 

“First thing,” he muttered softly, afraid that if he said the words any louder they would form chains to tie him to his bed frame. Mali nodded solemnly, her lips pressed into a thin line. For a moment, Calum thought she was mad at him, the same way his parents were. 

“Well, can’t I get a hug before my little brother makes it big?” she chuckled. Relief swirled through Calum’s brain, but he could see the pain behind her eyes. Still, he moved around his packed suitcase and hugged her, bending down to put his head on her shoulder. She smelled like home and comfort, and Calum guessed that she was the closest he’d ever get. 

“I’m gay,” he said. There was a moment of silence before Calum broke it. “I just thought you should know before…” Calum trailed off but they both knew what he meant. Mali exhaled deeply. The house creaked, the only indicator that they weren’t alone through the atmosphere that was surrounding the siblings. 

“Why does this feel like the last goodbye?” Mali asked, pulling back from the hug but not letting Calum out of her arms yet. Calum was comforted that he wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Isn’t it?” he choked out, nodding his head to his closed door. Mali didn’t say anything, just pulled Calum in tight once more before she walked out of the room. He hoped it wasn’t the end, that he was wrong or that Mali could at least recognize why he did what he did. 

When Calum’s alarm went off at 5 AM and Mali was sat at the kitchen table with two travel coffee mugs and her car keys, Calum knew all he needed to. 

Meeting up at Luke’s, the boys gathered all their things into the car and kissed their families goodbye while Calum just watched. Mali ruffled his hair and told him that she would take care of their parents. Calum cried as he hugged her. 

“Cal, you ready?” 

Ashton held his hand out to Calum, and if Calum had to rank all his most definitive life-changing moments this one would take the cake every time. He grabbed Ashton’s hand and squeezed it tight. He didn’t let go until their plane landed. 

London was scary. Overwhelming. Terrifying. Between dodging his parent’s calls, writing music with some of his heroes, and worrying about where they were going to get their next meal from, Calum had just about enough on his plate. 

The night was wet and cold, the way it always seemed to be here. Calum knew leaving the flat without a coat was a bad idea, but he was only clearing his head. He wasn’t supposed to be outside long enough to worry anybody, especially Ashton. But it was like Ashton had a superpower to know when Calum needed him. 

He brought a coat out and asked if Calum was alright. 

“Not really, but hey? Living the dream, right?” Calum chuckled. As usual, Ashton didn’t give in to Calum’s morbid humor. 

“I’m sorry,” Ashton whispered. Calum furrowed his brows. “About your parents and stuff.”

“Not your fault.” Calum shrugged. Ashton huffed out a frustrated breath.

“Still,” he paused, rubbing the bottom of his shoe against the pavement, “feel like you’re sacrificing a whole lot more than any of us. I mean Liz is here, you know?” 

“Yeah, they just don’t get it right now. Maybe they’ll come around but they think I’m ruining my life,” Calum said, shrugging with false nonchalance.

“What do you think? Finally figure out what you want?” Ashton asked, taking a step closer. Calum could feel the heat from Ashton’s body on his shoulder. 

“I want this, I know that,” Calum said, shyly peeking at Ashton. “And I think that this is my best shot and I’m right for taking it.” 

Ashton smiled. “Trust me, I get that.” 

Calum didn’t say anything as the older boy pushed his way under his arm. Ashton’s arm ended up wrapped around Calum’s waist. Each breath pushed them closer to each other and Calum could feel shivers running up his spine when Ashton’s hair tickled his neck. 

“We’ll be fine,” Calum whispered. Ashton smiled shyly and rested his head on Calum’s shoulder. 

Calum knew what the feeling in his chest meant. He had accepted it long ago. Sometimes he wished he hadn’t. If he’d never seen the eggshells he walked on, the cracking under his feet would still mean nothing. 

It was raining again the next night and the one after that, and even the one after that. Calum felt the wet seep all the way to his bones and soak him through and through. So when Ashton suggested they all go out and release some steam, Michael and Luke were insistent. 

The club was loud. Calum could barely remember how they managed to get in, but the sweat dripping down his back as he danced was the only sensation he could focus on. He couldn’t tell how long they had been there but the firm haze around Calum’s thoughts was a strong indicator. 

Ashton’s eyes burned holes into Calum’s wandering form, and the gaze quickly became his focus. If he rolled his hips a little more or threw his head back to expose his neck, that was no one's business but Ashton’s. And make it his business, Ashton did.

Familiar hands found their way to Calum’s hips and lips pressed to the shell of his ear.

“Having fun?” Ashton murmured, his breath sending sparks through Calum. The younger turned around to face Ashton, and their noses brushed slightly. Everything around them seemed to disappear until the only sound Calum could hear was his heart beating loudly and their breath in the space between their mouths. 

Ashton’s hands were unwavering, supporting him as the pair swayed to the music, their eyes never leaving the other. Calum wanted to stay like that forever, so close he could count the lashes that framed Ashton's eyes and feel the heat of his chest against his own as he narrowly dodged stepping on Ashton’s feet with each step. However, a heavy weight in his chest grew restless. 

“Wanna get out of here?” Calum suggested and Ashton laughed loudly. He threw his head back and Calum had to resist biting into the muscle there and leaving a mark to claim Ashton as his own. 

“Where to?” 

“Anywhere.” Ashton’s smile was unlike any he’s ever seen. The effect it had on Calum was something he wouldn’t find in any other face, space, or place. 

Once again, Ashton held his hand out for Calum, willing to pull him through any storm and bring them both out the other side. And once again, Calum took it and held tight. 

They ran through the London streets, with sore cheeks illuminated only by the dim street lights. Calum was overwhelmed by the sight in front of him. Ashton’s carefree smile that he only caught glimpses of every time the older boy turned back to look at him, the blush on his cheeks, and the wild look in his eyes, it all filled Calum up and settled into a warm ball in his chest. 

“Where are you taking me?” Calum laughed as Ashton tugged his arm even harder than before. Their fingers were still interlaced, and Calum felt a small shiver every time Ashton would run his thumb over his knuckles. 

“You’ll see!” the older boy called back. 

They kissed for the first time that night, sitting on a park bench, looking up at the stars as the night's drizzle curled their hair gently. It was everything Calum thought it would be. The unbearable weight on his chest released so quickly, Calum felt like he was cut open and spread bare. 

“I love you,” Calum whispered, staring into Ashton’s bright eyes. Their lips brushed lightly as Calum spoke. 

“I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known you,” Ashton admits. Calum felt like crying. Instead, he pressed his lips back against Ashton’s.

Their lips were made to be connected, and each movement was made specifically for the other. Ashton’s hand came up to the back of Calum’s neck and held him there as they continued. As if Calum would have tried to move his head away. Ashton broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Calum’s. “I was so scared you didn’t feel the same way.” 

“I’ve always loved you. I don’t know myself if I’m not loving you, Ash,” Calum said softly, melting at the way Ashton’s fingers felt in his hair. He wasn’t sure how much of it was really true, but he would have said anything. Anything to keep that free feeling in their chests, clinging to the hope that the years spent watching each other’s lives from the sideline wasn’t for nothing. 

After a few weeks of stolen kisses and hushed whispers under the sheets of Calum’s bed, Calum felt like he was on cloud nine. Learning everything he possibly could about this side of Ashton, from the way he sounded when Calum would kiss that one spot under his ear to the way he would always stretch his body the moment he woke up. 

It was distracting in the best way anyone could be distracted.

Until it wasn't. 

Calum’s phone was ringing but he had just woken up and slowly shuffled his way to the kitchen. He hadn’t even spared a glance at the caller before he answered.

“Hello?” he mumbled, letting out a quiet yawn. 

“Calum?” his mother asked. If the blood running through Calum’s veins could freeze it would have. He stayed silent until she spoke again, his heart beating so loud he was afraid it would wake Ashton who was still sound asleep in Calum’s bed. “Calum,” she repeated. 

“Yeah,” he forced the word out, wincing at the taste it left in his mouth. His stomach hurt with the effort. 

“Yeah?” she asked incredulously and Calum could almost see the expression on her face. “That's it? Yeah,” she mocked. 

“What do you want me to say?” he sighed, cheeks burning red. 

“How about an apology to start! What the hell were you thinking, Calum?” 

“I thought-” he started, tears stinging in his eyes. He swallowed them down, pushing every emotion out of his head until it was empty. He felt empty. 

“No! You obviously didn’t think! How long can you go on making bad decisions before you really ruin your life? I’d reckon not much longer, Calum. I mean, London? Really?” 

“Mom-” 

“No, I don’t want to hear it. It took a month to get a hold of you. A month, Calum. You’d almost think I didn’t raise you,” she yelled. For a moment, there was silence, but Calum could hear the blood rushing in his ears. “Your father and I are done. We are done digging you out of your own holes-” 

“What does that mean?” Silence. “Mom?” Calum insisted.

“When this adventure of yours fails, don’t come crying to us.” The call ended abruptly. The phone stayed glued to Calum’s ear for a minute too long, his body rigid and still. He didn’t cry. In fact, he didn’t let himself feel any emotion. 

He didn’t talk about it, either. The boys, even Liz, would ask about the phone call that had left him like this and Calum would brush them off. They would ask about the bags under his eyes and the food left on his plate after meals and even the alarming number of beer cans overflowing the recycling bin, but Calum denied everything. Calum could tell that Ashton didn’t believe him.

Maybe it could have been easier to deal with if he just told someone, anyone, about what happened, but shutting down felt so much easier. Calum probably wouldn’t have said anything if Ashton hadn’t asked him. But of course, Ashton asked. 

“What’s going on with you, Cal?”

Calum could feel the concern rolling off the older boy, each wave slowly breaking down his walls like they were made of sand. He could only look down at the ground, the cigarette between his fingers dropping ash onto the sidewalk outside their apartment building. 

“You know,” he trailed off, hoping Ashton would take the hint that he didn’t want to talk. Either Ashton missed it or ignored it. 

“No, I don't, that's kinda the problem,” Ashton deadpanned. Calum took a long drag of his cigarette, feeling the smoke burn his lungs before he blew it out in the opposite direction of Ashton. 

“What are we?” Calum asked, shocking himself almost as much as Ashton, who sputtered for a few moments before answering. 

“What?” 

“Am I your boyfriend?” Calum swallowed the sob that wanted to escape him. “Or are we just fucking around?” he asked shyly, avoiding all eye contact. A hand reached out and rested on his jaw, gently moving Calum’s face until the two boys' eyes met. 

“I want it all, Cal. Everything you’ll give me.” The night air surrounding them felt thick and deep, like Calum could drown in this moment. “You gotta tell me what’s eating you up like this, baby. It hurts to watch you fold in on yourself.” 

Calum nodded as Ashton’s thumb rubbed his cheekbone tenderly. When Calum leaned into the touch, a tear escaped his eye. He felt the urge to shut down and retreat back into his mind, but he actively ignored it. If Ashton wanted everything, that would be exactly what he got.

“My parents basically disowned me. Mom called to tell me I’m not welcome back home,” Calum whispered, dropping his nearly finished cigarette to the concrete and snuffing it out with the sole of his shoe. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ashton asked softly, removing his hand from Calum’s face and rubbing his hands up and down his arms. Calum took a deep, shuddering breath before responding. 

“I don’t know.” Calum shifted anxiously from foot to foot. “Talking about it makes it feel too real.” 

Ashton only hummed, not wanting to break Calum’s train of thought.

“I’m never gonna step foot in that house again. Never gonna catch fireflies in the yard again, or lay around in Mali’s room just to annoy her,” Calum sniffled. 

“Don’t say that. Maybe they’ll come around.” 

“Even if they do, I’m done trying to please them. I never will,” Calum said, lifting his head to meet Ashton’s eyes with a steely expression. “Why won’t they just love me? Why is it always a fight?” Tears rimmed both of their eyes.

“I don’t know, Cal. That’s their problem, not yours. It’s got nothing to do with you,” Ashton said firmly. The words felt like lies, but Ashton had never been one to be dishonest, even if it meant making someone feel better. 

“I guess.”

“Did you talk to Mali yet? Where is she at?” Ashton asked, hoping to change the topic to one that could cheer Calum up. The younger boy's face only crumbled back into anguish as he shook his head. “Maybe you should?” 

Calum let out a hurt sound and pushed himself into Ashton’s hold, rubbing his face into the crook of his neck. Ashton gave up on trying to get him to talk. 

Ashton’s arms were warm and safe but for a moment Calum wished it was Mali being the one that he was wiping his tears on, just like he had when they were kids. He cried harder at the thought and Ashton rubbed his hands up and down Calum’s back. 

“It’s alright,” Ashton said quietly. “You’ll always have me.” 

Luke was upset that Calum didn’t tell him about his parents, which is the exact reason Calum never said anything to him in the first place. Michael clapped a hand to his shoulder and said “Parents suck sometimes,” with a knowing smile. 

Calum nearly cried again. 

Calling Ashton his boyfriend for the first time almost stopped Calum’s heart. It was real, not just in his dreams or something he fantasized about. Maybe that was why it hurt so much when Ashton didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just call Mali. Or maybe it was because Calum realized that his boyfriend couldn’t read his mind. 

The next morning was the day they left for their first show of the Take Me Home tour. Luke threw up in the bathroom the moment he woke up, two hours before they had to leave for the arena. It was a miracle Luke was even able to wake up that early in the morning. 

It didn’t help that Michael was so tired he walked right into the open door to the bathroom, giving himself a black eye. Calum may have laughed at the sight, but his own anxieties were eating him up. Everyone, including Liz, was surprised when they all got into the van on time and in mostly one piece. 

“Nervous?” Ashton asked, grabbing hold of Calum’s hand and placing it in his lap. Calum eyed the front row, where Luke and Michael sat, suspiciously. The pair hadn’t told their bandmates about the other part of their conversation the night before. 

“Not really,” he lied. If Calum was honest with himself, he was freaking the fuck out. The phone call had been final on his parents’ end, but stepping out on stage tonight was Calum’s response.

If Ashton knew that Calum lied, he didn’t let on, just held Calum’s hand tighter and bounced his leg. 

Once they got to the venue, Ashton disappeared with the excuse of taking a phone call, leaving Calum with a green-faced Luke and a complaining Michael. 

“I think I’m gonna throw up again,” Luke mumbles, grabbing at his stomach and shuffling to the bathroom. Calum rolled his eyes and went back to scrolling on Twitter. Luckily he made it about two minutes before Michael groaned and flopped himself into Calum’s lap. 

“Eye hurts,” he muttered, rubbing his nose on the fabric of Calum’s jeans. 

“Put the ice on it then,” Calum said, pushing Michael off his legs. 

“Ice hurts more,” Michael whined. Calum huffed, a frustrated noise coming from his throat as he pushed himself off the couch. All the anxiety and fear from the past few weeks that had been festering began to boil dangerously. 

“I’m taking a walk,” he almost growled. 

“No! Don’t leave me!” Michael yelled to his retreating form. 

Calum closed the door to their green room with a loud slam. It was vindicating. Looking back at the door, hoping to see a dent or something, he only saw a piece of paper taped to it. It read 5SOS in big block letters. The four characters felt like they were screaming at him. 

The sound of the paper ripping away from the wall was cathartic. His shaky hands crumpled the paper into the tightest ball he could manage and shoved it into the back pocket of his jeans.

Calum felt like he was overflowing, like every emotion he’d kept in the little glass bottle in his chest had burst free. Now, broken glass littered his body. 

“Stupid fucking shit. Goddamn-” Calum muttered under his breath as he stormed around the halls, no clear path, just a mindless rampage. His chest was tight and his jaw hurt with the pressure he was putting on it. If there was one time Calum wanted Ashton to use his superpower and come talk him off the ledge, it was now. 

But of course, his boyfriend was nowhere to be found. 

In a moment of pure fury, Calum punched the cement wall in the hallway. 

“Fuck!” he cried out. One of his knuckles had split, which burned as he opened and closed his fist. At least nothing was broken from his display of anger. 

His hands shook with the desire to be held by Ashton and Calum felt something try and tug him back to the green room. That feeling pulled on his mind until his only objective was storming back. 

The unmarked door was harder to find this time around. 

Harshly yanking the door open, Calum was met with a scene that he’d never expected and one he never wanted to walk into again. Ashton was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking and Luke and Michael on either side of him. Soft sobs could be heard over Luke’s mumbling. 

“What’s going on?” The shock of the moment coursed through his body, clouding every thought that wasn’t about Ashton. 

Ashton coughed loudly, scrubbing his cheeks and standing up from the couch. “Nothing.” 

“Bullshit,” Calum scoffed, walking toward his obviously distressed boyfriend and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Ash?” 

The boy sniffed lightly, putting on a brave face. “Lauren got appendicitis. Mum rushed her to the hospital and now she’s getting her surgery today.” 

“Oh, Ash,” Calum whispered, pulling Ashton into a hug. Michael and Luke stood up and lightly patted their drummer on the back before leaving the room. They knew that Calum and Ashton had a special kind of relationship, even if they didn’t know the extent of it. 

“I should be there,” Ashton cried, a wet spot slowly growing on Calum’s shoulder. “I feel so selfish like I got so caught up in my own stuff I forgot that they need me too.” Calum ran a soothing hand up and down Ashton’s back. All the anger from before laid in a puddle at Calum’s feet. 

“This would have happened even if you were there, Ash. You have been there for them in every way you can be,” Calum said, pulling back from the hug to look into Ashton’s watery eyes. He looked so small like this.

“But I’m not there. She’s gonna wake up scared and I’m gonna be here,” Ashton said, his breaths becoming more and more frantic with each word. “And now I’m crying to you about how much I miss my family!” Ashton pushed his head back into Calum’s collarbone with enough force it almost sent Calum to the floor before letting another sob rock his body. 

“Don’t worry about me, love. I’ve buried all my hatchets.” It was a lie, but hopefully Ashton wouldn’t know that. “And Lauren can call you when she wakes up and talk to you the same way she would have if you were there,” Calum whispered, pulling Ashton off his shoulder to look him in the eyes. “Remember why you’re doing this, Ash. It’s for them, right?” 

Ashton nods. “I guess you’re right.” Calum pulled Ashton back to his chest, much gentler this time, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m sorry,” Ashton muttered, words muffled by the fabric of Calum’s shirt. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” 

“Just with everything going on with your family,” Ashton said, pulling away from the hug. Calum felt cold suddenly. 

“Don’t.” 

“Felt like a dick bringing it up to you,” he finished, still rubbing at his eyes and taking short shuddering breaths.

“I’m fine, Ash,” Calum said shortly. Ashton eyed his hand, where blood had begun to trickle down his fingers.

Ashton grabbed paper towels from the counter and pressed them over the spilt knuckle, “I know you say that but-” 

“But nothing.” Calum moved his hand behind his back, hiding his mistake like a child. The desperation to talk to Ashton was morphing into frustration that Ashton couldn’t just say exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Cal,” Ashton whispered, sitting down on the couch, looking up at the boy with an invitation to sit down next to him. Calum felt those concerned waves that Ashton seemed to emit anytime Calum didn’t want to talk. Luckily for him, the door opened suddenly. 

“Guys, we have like ten minutes till we have to be on stage. I can’t stall for you anymore,” Michael said, only peeking his blackened eye through the crack. Calum nodded and shrugged, looking down at a displeased Ashton. 

Ashton stood quickly, grabbing Calum by the bicep. “We aren’t done talking about this,” he said softly, into Calum’s ear. Calum shook his arm from Ashton’s grip and walked out of the room. 

The One Direction boys were nice enough but were rightfully put off by the state of their opening band. Luke had finally stopped throwing up, but after a long day of just that, he looked pretty worn out. The swelling around Michael’s eye had gone down, but the bruising seemed to be there to stay for a while. Ashton’s face was blotchy and his eyes were still red, with tear tracks down his cheeks visible for anyone looking. Calum’s brows were pinched together and there was a scowl firmly planted on his lips. 

Still, they wished the Aussies luck and watched as they walked towards the stage. The boys were all being rushed out when Calum stopped. 

“Calum! Come on!” Ashton yelled over the noise of the crowd. They could hear it from where they stood. This was real and it was happening and there was nothing Calum could do about it. He had put off thinking about this moment for so long but now he was here with a million things he wished he had said before. 

There was a piece of tape on the floor, one for the crew to know where you can be seen from the crowd. Ashton and the boys stood on the other side, looking at Calum expectantly. Sweat dripped down the side of his face and his hands shook as he made a grab for bass hanging around his neck.

“I can’t,” he shouted, trying to pull the strap off his shoulders. He shook his head so fast the image of his bandmates blurred. 

“Hey, stop,” Ashton said, grabbing Calum’s hands, careful of the cut, and stopping him from taking off the instrument. 

“I can’t,” Calum muttered again, this time for Ashton’s ears only. 

“You can.”

“They’ll hate me, Ash! This is it,” Calum said frantically. The corners of Ashton’s mouth tipped down. 

“Baby,” he started, speaking quietly enough that it was just them.

“They already do and now this is it. I step on that stage and- and-” Calum stopped, gulping a deep breath in attempts to calm down. He had let it get too far and now it felt too big to get back into its cage. There was no part of his mind he could retreat to where this wouldn't be in sight. 

“Guys?” Michael asked from behind the tape, gesturing to the crew that was desperately trying to get them on the stage. 

“Oh God,” Calum cried out. His chest was heaving.

“It’s okay. We got this, okay? You’ll always have us,” Ashton promised, rubbing a hand up and down Calum’s tense arm. Calum nodded dumbly, his head feeling fuzzy with the hyperventilation. “Take a few deep breaths for me,” Ashton said, overexaggerating his breaths to show Calum what to do. 

After sucking in some air, Calum nodded. “I’m ready.” 

The sentiment hung around the boys like dirty laundry on a line, waiting to be aired out. Ready to change his life by leaving his parents. Ready to be with Ashton. Ready to call Mali. Ashton held his hand out for Calum, an invitation for comfort. The younger boy clung to it like a lifeline. 

With hands clasped, the pair crossed the tape together. 

The screams got louder as they walked to their microphones. It wasn’t their crowd, but the energy of the room was unmatched. There was something to be said about a group of teenage girls waiting to see One Direction. 

When they played, it felt as though all of Calum’s worries didn’t matter. If his parents couldn’t see the passion in his eyes and understand his happiness, then there was no place for them in Calum’s life. In a break between songs, where Michael had decided to tell the epic tale of his black eye, Calum took a moment to glance at Ashton. 

Ashton’s brows furrowed and he tilted his head to the side, but Calum knew what he was asking. He mustered up the brightest smile he could. The next song started and the moment effectively ended between the two boys. 

Calum wished he never had to cross that tape again, leaving the stage. The sea of hands and heads reminded him of the horizon he used to look at with dreams of freedom. His bass was his voice and the crowd became his most trusted confidants as he poured everything he had into the music. 

They weren’t allowed to go back to the hotel until the stadium was emptied so the group of sweaty, tired boys sat in their green room again, waiting for the show to end. Calum hid in the connected bathroom that still smelled like Luke’s puke. He knew Ashton wanted to talk about everything that happened that day, but Calum wasn’t sure he could take it at that moment. 

The adrenaline from the show was wearing off until all Calum was left with was the shaky anxiety he had been feeling for weeks. He wanted to call Mali and tell her about their first show, just to see if she would be proud, but he didn’t have the energy. 

Once they finished, the One Direction boys offered to take them out to a club to celebrate performing their first stadium but they all declined. 

“You guys should go,” Calum tried to convince them. Luke and Michael looked between each other for a moment before shaking their heads and climbing into the van. 

“We’re all tired, Cal,” Ashton said, sliding in behind Calum, “aren’t you?” 

Calum sighed, “Yeah.” His head rested on Ashton’s shoulder as they drove back to the hotel. “Love you,” he murmured. 

Ashton pressed a kiss into Calum’s sweaty curls. “Love you too.” The soft sounds of the tires against the road and the gentle rocking of the van eventually lulled Calum to sleep. 

“Hey,” Ashton whispered and shook his shoulder a bit. Calum peeled his eyes open and groaned. “We’re here.” 

Calum whined and raised his arms. “Tired.” 

Ashton chuckled, “I can’t pick you up.” Calum whined again. “Look, Michael’s waiting for you out there, maybe he’ll hold you.” Ashton moved over to start waking Luke up as well. 

“Michael!” Calum whined as he shimmied out of the van. Michael lifted his head up from his phone and smiled softly. “Take me in?” Calum said quietly, using his best puppy dog eyes. They weren’t as good as Luke’s but it seemed to do the trick as Michael pocketed his phone and turned around. Calum smiled as he hopped onto his friends' back. 

“You’re too light, Cal,” Michael said as he gripped Calum’s thighs, hiking him up. There was no response, only Calum pressing his nose into the back of Michael’s neck. 

What was he supposed to say? 

All four boys made it safely to their rooms. Michael gently tossed Calum onto his bed before pressing a kiss to his forehead and leaving the room. 

After a few minutes, the door to Calum’s room opened and Ashton slid through the crack of light. “Hey,” he whispered. Shedding his shirt and sweats, Ashton climbed under the covers with Calum. “How’s your hand?”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Calum mumbled, pressing his cheek against Ashton’s warm chest. They were both silent as Ashton ran his fingers through Calum’s curls. The younger boy could tell that they weren’t going to just fall asleep. He could practically hear the cogs spinning in Ashton’s head.

“We should probably talk about today.” Calum could feel the rumbling under Ashton’s skin.

“Yeah,” Calum sighed. 

“Do you want to start or should I?” 

Calum shrugged. Ashton’s hand still lightly scratched his head. “I’m sorry about being mean earlier.” 

“You were scared, I get it,” Ashton said, but Calum shook his head.

“I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” Calum said softly. “I was just really frustrated and confused and nothing was coming out the way I wanted it to.” One of Calum's hands rested on the other side of his chest, tracing small shapes and letters into the skin. Ashton nodded. 

“Is that what made you freak out like that? Before we went on?” Ashton asked. “You weren’t really talking in full sentences, but I think I got the idea.” 

Calum’s throat felt tight like tears were fighting their way out. “It sent a message,” he explained, “walking on that stage. That I’m okay with not running back to them. I wasn’t really sure about that, like losing my safety net.” 

Ashton hummed. “You still feel that way?” 

“Not really. Being on stage just felt right,” Calum whispered. “The only thing I could think about when we were waiting to come back here was calling Mali though.” 

“Really? Did you?” 

“No,” Calum said, “but I might tomorrow. I just want to know if she’ll be proud of me.” Calum pressed a little kiss to the skin his lips were moving over. 

“I’m sure she is, Cal,” Ashton murmured into Calum’s dark hair. “If it’s any consolation, I’m really proud of you. You were so strong today.” 

Calum felt his eyes water before a quiet sob left his lips. “Thank you,” he cried. 

“Baby,” Ashton said softly, pulling Calum’s body closer to the bare skin of his chest. His hands left the younger boy’s hair and began to stroke soothing circles into his back. Slowly, Calum’s sobs stopped shaking his body until all that could be heard were some soft sniffles. “We should sleep, it’s been a long day.” 

Calum nodded, rubbing his face on the wet spot he left on Ashton’s chest. “Did you talk to Lauren? How is she?” 

Ashton chuckled, “Yeah, I called her right after the show. She woke up fine, everything’s good. I might go back to Oz for our next break.” 

“That sounds good. I’m glad she’s okay,” Calum hummed, his eyes slipping shut with exhaustion. 

“Wanna come back with me?” Ashton asked, hopeful. Calum’s body tensed slightly.

“Not really,” he muttered, “It’s just, that’s where they are.” 

“I get it. Forget I asked.” 

“Sorry,” Calum paused. “I just don’t want to see them, I’m not ready for that yet.” 

“That’s fair, baby,” Ashton whispered. The two boys fell asleep soon after. 

Calum called Mali first thing the next morning. 

“Calum?” she asked,  sounding as if she couldn't quite believe it was him . 

“I’m sorry,” Calum said in lieu of a greeting. 

“It’s okay, I get it,” Mali responded immediately. Calum let out a breath, one he didn’t know he was holding. 

“We played our first show last night.” Calum smiled. He looked across the room to where Ashton was still sleeping. 

“How’d it go?” Mali asked, in a voice that was a hair short of a squeal. It was almost as if nothing had changed. 

“Really good.” Calum nodded, even though she couldn’t see it. “It went so well, Mali.” 

“I can’t wait to see it for myself,” she said. Calum could hear the smile on her lips. 

“I’ll pay for your plane!” Calum exclaimed in the quietest voice he could. “I get paid now, like for real.” 

There was a slight pause before Mali spoke. “I’m so proud of you, Cal.” 

“Thank you,” Calum whispered, choking back his tears. He had cried enough in the past few weeks.

They talked for hours, even after Ashton woke up and kissed Calum on the cheek before turning on the shower in the bathroom connected to the room. Calum mouthed, “Morning, sunshine.” 

He felt so free like he was running across the water at the docks, chasing the horizon he used to be envious of. His chest was open, baring his lungs and his heart for all to see. 

After exhausting every possible conversation topic, Calum told Mail he loved her and hung up the phone. 

He began to strip himself of his clothes, leaving a trail as he made his way to the bathroom where Ashton waited for him. Pulling back the curtain, Ashton’s naked body was exposed to him. He had seen Ashton like this before, but Calum still felt a blush rise to his cheeks the longer he looked. 

“Hey,” Ashton said, offering Calum his hand to help him step in. Calum grabbed it and held on tight while he got his footing. The space was small, especially for two boys of their size, so their bodies were pushed close to each other. 

Instead of responding, Calum wrapped his arms around Ashton’s waist and hooked his chin over Ashton’s shoulder. The closeness made it so both boys stood under the hot spray of water. Calloused hands rubbed up and down Calum’s back as he rested more of his weight against Ashton. 

“How’s Mali?” Ashton asked, swaying their bodies softly.

Calum groaned deep in his chest when Ashton pushed his traveling fingers up into the short hairs at the nape of his neck. “She’s good.” 

The younger boy released his hold on Ashton’s waist as he grabbed for the complimentary bottle of shampoo on the ledge behind his boyfriend’s head. “Wash my hair?” Calum asked. Ashton giggled. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, come on,” Calum begged. 

Ashton chuckled before nodding and taking the small bottle, emptying half of it into his palm. He rubbed at Calum’s head, massaging the hair until it was completely lathered. Calum whined a bit when Ashton removed his hands. 

“Everything okay?” Ashton said. 

“Yeah, everything’s great,” Calum sighed. And for once, he wasn’t lying. 

His puzzle felt complete. He couldn’t remember when he had started placing pieces together. Maybe it had been when he first met Ashton, or maybe it had been leaving for Brazil or even their first day in London. However, standing with Ashton in a small hotel room shower with poor water pressure, taking the best shower he’d ever had, Calum knew he had finally finished it. He could finally step away from the table and frame his hard work. 

Being Ashton’s boyfriend was much easier than expected. Calum came to learn that his favorite place was no longer the passenger seat of the car Ashton had left in Australia.

Maybe it never had been the seat that was so special, but rather, the boy sitting in the driver's seat. 

**Author's Note:**

> Innocent by Taylor Swift  
> Give Me Novacaine by Green Day  
> Jaded by Near Tears  
> Into Temptation by Crowded House 
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Many thanks to the multiple wonderful people who helped me with this


End file.
